Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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