I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
