If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
