Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
