Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
