i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
