I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
