If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
