Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
