What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
