I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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