Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
