rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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