now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
