What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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