Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
