It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The Olympian is in my bed
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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