Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
