You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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