Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
