I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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