I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
