I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
