he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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