That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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