The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
