I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
