Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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