We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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