hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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