Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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