glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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