Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
