So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
