mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
