I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
