Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
