Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
