I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
