while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
