So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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