Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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