Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
