Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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