On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
