Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
