she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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