Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
