She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
