Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
