well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
