I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
