i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
