Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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