He uses pillows to masturbate.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think I sprained my soul last night
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize