I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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