My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
