I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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