Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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