I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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